Forgiveness Is Your Superpower
When you make another person responsible for how you feel, you are giving them power over you.
Getting stuck in a cycle of replaying a thoughtless action, a mean word or a hurtful event in your head hinders you from putting energy into creating the life you desire and becoming the person you are meant to be. Have you ever held on to a grudge for too long and when you think about it you feel your body react to the emotion? Me too… Getting hurt hurts. But at the end of the day, you have the power to decide how much time and space you want to allow resentment, suffering, and bitterness in your life. Dwelling on your wounds only gives power to the person who inflicted them. Forgiveness, on the other hand, allows you to reclaim your superpower.
Recent studies show that forgiveness has more benefits than just peace of mind. It can also promote measurable health benefits, like lowering your risk of heart attack and reducing pain. Forgiveness is not just about saying the words. It is an active process in which you make a conscious decision to let go of negative feelings whether the person deserves it or not. Studies have found that some people are just naturally more forgiving. Consequently, they tend to be more satisfied with their lives and to have less depression, anxiety, stress, anger, and hostility. People who hang on to grudges, however, are more likely to experience severe depression and post-traumatic stress disorder, as well as other health conditions. But that doesn’t mean that they can’t train themselves to act in healthier ways.
Why is it so hard for me to forgive?
I know, the reasons we should forgive are simple to understand, but often difficult to do. Just like with a lot of things, the advice is simple but to actually do it is tough, but this is where empathy comes in. Empathy is the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within their frame of reference, that is, the capacity to place oneself in another’s position. When you are reacting from a place of hurt, you risk becoming judgmental, resentful, or even spiteful. Forgiveness, however, requires empathy. Forgiveness stems from the realization that people are doing their best. And while their best may not be acceptable, it’s all they have to offer. Look at the people in your life whose thoughts or actions have hurt you, and remind yourself as many times as necessary that they are doing their very best.
But how do I forgive someone else?
First remember that if you are struggling with forgiving someone, that doesn’t mean you’re a failure at forgiveness. Forgiveness is a process that takes time, and patience. Try not to be harsh on yourself, but be gentle and find an inner acceptance of yourself. Try to respond to yourself as you would to someone whom you love deeply.
Surround yourself with good and wise people who support you and who have the patience to allow you time to heal in your own way. Also, practice humility—not in the sense of putting yourself down, but in realizing that we are all capable of imperfection and suffering. You have to remember that to forgive is not to condone negative behavior. Forgiveness is not becoming a doormat or allowing the same person to hurt you over and over again. The first step is forgiveness, and the second step is putting boundaries down that allow you to grow and be happy. Be clear on what you will and won’t accept from others. The stronger your boundaries are, the more empathy you will have for everyone in your life.
I have forgiven them. How do I forgive myself?
Forgiving yourself can feel harder to do versus forgiving someone else. “When we try to forgive ourselves, we’re trying to release something that feels like it is part of us. We’re releasing who we were in the moment that we did whatever it was. When we forgive what someone else has done, in a sense, it feels easier: We’re releasing a part of our past that isn’t essentially who we are—unless we’ve told the story of that hurt so frequently that we’ve built our identity around it. In that case, it becomes hard to forgive the other person because the transgression and our reaction have become central to how we define ourselves. To release that part of your past that you need to forgive, it’s helpful to remember that we’re all doing the best we can at any moment. If you had known that your action would cause pain to others or yourself, you probably wouldn’t have done it, right? And even if you knew that you were causing damage at the time, you had no idea how much you would regret it in the future.” – Matthew B. James, Ph.D.
It’s not an easy journey, to get to a place where you forgive people. But it is such a powerful place because it frees you.